I want to be alone and hide myself from the world. act independent. go on a solo flight. be a lone ranger. then, I won’t have an emotional attachment with other people anymore. then, i won’t depend on anyone. then, I won’t attribute my happiness, my self-worth, my sense of acceptance to another being. then, i won’t wait for someone’s text or phone call. then, i won’t expect and just get disappointed. then, i won’t miss anyone anymore. then, I won’t have to think that someone’s avoiding me. neither would I be jealous nor selfish nor protective when someone starts getting close to someone I’m close with. then, I won’t have to worry on whether I’m saying hurtful words or whether I’m chasing someone away. then, i won’t feel sad when someone leaves. then, I won’t have to mindf*ck myself like this.
yes, i don’t want to be close to anyone anymore. and for that to happen I should be alone more often.. like an eagle-with it’s wings outstretched away from the rest and up in the sky. because the only way a person to not get hurt is when they act like they don’t have a heart.
sigh…. now I remember why i USED TO be always independent and evasive (scared) of letting my guard down.
my gut tells me that, “but only when you let yourself be vulnerable and stand again even after you fall can you really be strong.” but, here I am pondering– yeah. right. but, maybe I don’t want to be strong. maybe i don’t neeeeeed to be strong. I just do not want to hurt anymore.